Jazz - The Super Special Bear

When I was younger I collected teddy bears. I'd get one while we were on vacation and it kind of became a thing. Then I got them for birthdays and Christmas and eventually I had way too many. When I moved to North Carolina I brought with me only what would fit in my car so almost all my bears stayed with my parents. But Jazz Bear came with me. I got Jazz Bear at the end of my teddy bear collecting phase. I saw him in a store and thought he was adorable with his big belly and he's so soft and cuddly...but I was "too old" for that so I didn't get him. 

My mom did. She surprised me with him later (and for some reason she named him Jazz Bear). But when I moved, he pretty much stayed in closets until I had Grant. Then he became Grant's.

When he was old enough, I told Grant that Jazz Bear is very special. That's he's sort of a present from my mom because she gave Jazz to me and now he belongs to Grant. And that if he hugs Jazz it's like getting a hug from me and my mom. He accepted Jazz Bear as a special thing and most of the time when he wanted to sleep with him Grant would say "Jazz is special because he's from your mama and he was yours and now he's mine, right?" And that was as far as I'd ever been able to go with it because I get really emotional talking about that stuff with Grant.

Next week we'll be coming up on 5 years that my mom has been gone and back in February was 4 years since my dad's passing. It's still hard but I've learned that talking {and writing} helps. So it's appropriate that Grant initiated our first real conversation about my parents. For me, it came completely out of left field but looking back, I think he's been wanting to ask. But he's a smart kid and kids pick up on way more than we give them credit for, so I think he doesn't talk about it because he knows it's hard for me.

It started with Jazz Bear at bed time, it usually does. Grant couldn't figure out which animal to sleep with, so I suggested Jazz. Grant said "Because he's your super special bear, right Mama?" I told him, again, when he hugs the bear it's like a hug from me and mom. Which made him ask "But she died already, right?" I said yes and he asked how she died. I didn't want to get so detailed that I scared him but I wanted to answer his questions. So I explained that she was very sick and that she went to a lot of doctors but they couldn't make her better (an explanation that I'm always worried will scare him but I have yet to find a better way). He knows she's in Heaven so he says she's "up there". 

He also asked if my dad died already too, which he knows, but I think he was just trying to talk about it. So I said yes. He asked why my dad died. You can't explain alcoholism to a 4.5 year old so I said that he, too, was very sick. That he tried to get help to get better but the doctors weren't able to make him better either. He just said "Oh" and laid there quiet for a minute, like he was thinking.

He asked "Who else is up there?" I told him my Uncle Charlie is up there with my mom and dad. And our dog Brodie. And my Grama. He asked "...do you...miss them?" Which of course I do, I said I miss them all the time but I tried to keep my tone light and not sad. I was pretty proud of myself for not breaking down because this was the longest we've ever been able to talk about my family.

Then he broke my heart. He was very serious and a little sad and I want to say even a little sorry for me. He said "So...you don't have any families left?" So I reminded him of how much family I do still have left - him, Husband, my sister, aunts, uncles, cousins, in-laws - and that seemed to cheer him up. He was done asking questions then, for now, so it was a good note to end the conversation on. 

He asked some good questions. He was very serious and I feel like he really listened. It was a really difficult for me but I know it's going to have to happen more so I'm happy that I handled this first one so well. It's important that Grant knows my parents and I'm going to be the biggest part of that so I'm glad we're heading in the right direction.

The Constant Picture-Taker

I am that annoying mom with the camera. The one who takes pictures of everything. The one who might get in the way a little bit. If we go somewhere and I don't feel like toting the camera, I kind of have to talk myself through it. But even without my "big camera", I always have my phone and you can bet I'm going to try to get a family picture of us (or at least of me & Grant if Husband is feeling uncooperative). 

I totally get picked on for it. For being the one always with the camera. People sarcastically telling Grant to pose or making comments to let me know it's more than a little annoying. I get it, I do.

But it's not going to stop. So...sorry annoyed people.

I think it's partly a mom thing because I wasn't like this pre-Grant. The need to document even the smallest thing. But I know it's also because of losing my parents. Things like that will mess you up in little ways that you don't even realize. Our parents did a lot with us - camping, day trips to parks or playgrounds, family vacations, picnics, camping in the backyard, etc. - but there aren't a lot of pictures. I know back then they had film and you kind of had to be choosy with those pictures. And my parents just weren't big picture takers. And my mom especially wasn't big on being IN the pictures. That wasn't a big deal then...but it is now. I have so few pictures from growing up and even less with my parents. 

Mom & me probably my favorite picture that I've got of mom

Mom and my sis - of course my sister has food all over her face

Family picture :)

Grant is so young right now that he doesn't understand, really, when I talk about my parents. And sometimes he asks questions that I don't really know how to answer. He has a teddy bear that he loves named Jazz Bear. Jazz Bear used to be mine, a present from my mom.  And I have to try very hard not to cry when I'm tucking him in at night and Grant hugs the bear and says "Jazz Bear is special. Your Mama gave him to you and now he's mine to have."  

And that is a very round-about way of explaining my neurotic constant picture-taking. I need to have pictures of all this and I need Grant to have them when he gets older. I was never a big fan of being in pictures but I make a point of it now and I don't mind it. Even the ones where I'm not looking my best :) Right now, Grant is a pretty good sport about it. I know he'll go through his anti-social-teenager-hating-life phase and not really give a crap about any of this. But I hope when he gets older, he'll appreciate not only all the memories of the fun we had but also all the pictures to go along with them.

    

High Five for Friday

Today I'm linking up with Lauren to share some of my favorite things from the past week.

1) I ordered a fun new Avengers themed scarf that I finally made use of on our "casual Friday" at work. I bought it thinking Grant would get excited when I wore it and he had a lot of fun that morning picking out all the characters.

2) Grant loves to draw and color and can identify some letters and numbers. He has fun tracing letters and learning on his Leap Pad too, so I decided to get him some work books. We sat down over the weekend and started to learn to write! He did so well and I'm so proud of him. He's such a big boy!

3) On Sunday Grant and I whipped up a cinnamon roll cake for a Monday treat for my co-workers (and me too, of course). This cake is so big that we actually got to enjoy it on Monday AND Tuesday.  

4) I came into possession of the cutest picture of Grant and one of his classmates! His little friend had dropped a ring (from a cupcake or something?) and Grant bent down to pick it up for her...and this picture happened. Cutest thing EVER.

5) A big box from my sister showed up on my porch containing lots of goodies including (but not limited to) some cute clothes for Grant, my favorite chocolate covered pretzels, and several of my favorite serving spoons! 

This weekend is going to be a busy one! Husband's birthday is tomorrow and we're heading to my soon-to-be-sister-in-law's wedding shower. It should be a great weekend!

HAPPY FRIDAY!

Have a great weekend!

My Favorite Serving Spoon

Perhaps only my sister and I will find this funny. I think it even took my Husband a few minutes to find the humor in it. Obviously, I find it funny enough to write about it (and I'm still chuckling about it as I type).

I'm sure at some point in the blog I've mentioned once or twice what a thief my mother was. If I haven't or you don't remember, I'm relatively sure she was one of the most successful petty thieves of upstate NY. I even mentioned in our meeting with the funeral home guy that it should've been put in her obituary as a hobby.

I remember the first time my husband - then boyfriend - went home with me. My parents took us out to dinner and my husband ordered water for his drink. They brought him a glass with his own carafe of water. My mother leaned over, tapped the carafe and said "That's nice. Finish it before we leave so I can put it in my purse." My husband laughed until I told him she was serious (though I don't think she managed to get it).

There was one summer vacation - I was probably 7 or 8, we were waiting for a table at our favorite place to eat in Old Forge and my parents each ordered a beer. They came in these really heavy glass mugs that my mother seemed to struggle to carry to the table when we were called...all the while commenting on what a nice mug it was. After dinner mom asked dad to take her purse for her. Dad picked it up and it was so heavy it surprised him and he dropped. Mom snapped at hime to be careful. He said - a little too loud - "Jesus Christ! What do you have in here?!" It was her beer mug.

There are a lot of those stories. She went through a phase where we couldn't go out without her pocketing the steak sauce. She didn't need it. She just did it. Once at my parents house we were getting ready to eat dinner and my husband said what a nice steak knife he was using. He told me it looked like the ones Outback uses. With him having been around for about 10 years at that point, I stared at him and asked him just where he thought she got it.

Which brings me to my favorite serving spoon. It was nothing fancy. Just a good, sturdy stainless steel spoon that I used for almost everything. My mom stole it from some catered function at work and I loved it. It even had the name of the building she stole it from etched on the back. This year, I used it on Thanksgiving and it seems to have disappeared. My mother-in-law has searched for it, I've searched for it, my husband has too. We're thinking it was set on top of the car when we were leaving and never got put inside. Whatever happened to it, it's gone. I was really sad about it. Maybe that's stupid but I was. After searching high and low and realizing it was gone, I just told my sister one day that I lost it and how upset I was.

She sent me back a picture of one and asked it was the same.

It was. I figured she'd tell me I could have it and I knew I couldn't take it. After all, mom had apparently stolen one for her too. So I told her it was the same kind. Then she sent me another picture:

I lost it. I was laughing so hard I couldn't breathe. I can't believe she was never arrested! Also, I'm getting more spoons :)

High Five for Friday

Today I'm linking up with Lauren to share some of my favorite stuff from the past two weeks. I didn't do a post last week and last week was fun so I'm adding it in :)

1) A few days before we went on vacation last week, I decided to do a little photo shoot with Grant. I hadn't done one in a while and he has several adorable outfits that he doesn't have much occaision to wear. So we headed to downtown Clayton for some pictures. He was super cooperative (even with outfit changes) so I took him to the park afterward for some playtime...and a much deserved lollipop.

More pictures to come in a later post!

The park is always a good thing.

2) We spent a long weekend in the mountains! We headed up to Banner Elk, NC on Wednesday and came home Sunday. More on that (and pictures) in a later post but we had a great time. Love the mountains! Especially in the fall :)

Family pic!

On the Blue Ridge Parkway

Famous movie spot on Grandfather Mountain!

3) I don't decorate for Halloween. Its not a long enough season for me to get into all that so I have very little stuff to put out for it (though I should try harder for Grant). BUT my sister gave me my Mom's adorable Halloween candy dish so I filled it with Hershey Kisses and made a spot on the table for it. I will try my best to keep it as well stocked as my Mom did! And I think Husband is going to try his best to empty it as fast as I fill it.

Isn't it cute?

4) I stayed home sick with Grant yesterday. Though him being sick was not a *favorite* of the week, I do enjoy unexpectedly spending the day with him. Especially when he's so snuggly. And we even sat down and watch The Wizard of OZ together - my favorite! The whole thing. It was so nice to watch it with someone who doesn't know to be annoyed at my constant quoting of the lines.

5) Also yesterday, I made some glazed cinnamon scones. So I could have one with my morning coffee and share the others with people at work. It's been a while since I made scones and they were good! (I'm reading a book set in England and they talk about scones a lot so I've really been craving them!)

Yummy.

Happy Friday!

I hope you have a great weekend :)

Three Years As A Mom

My life changed the day my Mom died. I never expected to be a mom without my mom. But if we hadn't been expecting Grant, things would have been very different for me. Because of Grant, I had to get myself out of bed every day. Even before he was born. There were things to do. A job to go to. Life. I couldn't drown myself in pity parties all day. 

Then he was born. Then five months later, my Dad died. And I became what has been referred to as a "Parentless Parent". I tried reading a book about being a parentless parent (called Parentless Parents), thinking it may help with the grief (yes, I know this is not a substitute for a grief counselor) but I quickly realized this book was not for me. The author of this book was in a similar situation. She lost her mom before she had her first child and her Dad died before she'd even had her second. But this woman was very judgy on what makes a person officially parentless. And she seems to think it's ok to let yourself feel different from the people around you. And to resent your friends and family that still have one or both of their parents. She says your parents are your cheering section, the people you get to brag to because your kids may be going through things your friend's kids have already done...so your friends may not care. Huh? My real friends care about what's going on with Grant. And I care what's going on with their kids. I didn't read much of the book before it made a permanant home on my bookshelf.

The truth is, while I would obviously LOVE to have either of my parents as a part of Grant's life, I can't resent the people in my life that still have their parents. That's just not right. When we decided to become parents I always knew that I wanted to be my own kind of mom. Obviously I learned from my mom, but I wanted to learn from me too. I didn't read parenting books or articles or magazine's because I don't care how other people think I should raise my child. 

So what has three years taught me? That I will always miss my parents. I always want to know if I was doing the same things that Grant is at his age. I don't know when I crawled, walked, talked. I can ask my aunt...but I want to ask my parents, you know? I can't imagine that going away. 

Three years has made me less lazy. Ok, three days made me less lazy! But now there are very few "lazy days" and more play days in the park, bike rides after dinner, weekend morning walks, baseball after breakfast. And I'm more willing to explore to find fun new things for us to do. I even like the beach now (for the most part) whereas before I could really take it or leave it.

Some people are natural teachers. I am not. I'm terrible at explaining things. But having a little one makes you a teacher anyway and it makes me WANT to teach. I don't want to leave everything to school, so we at least try to teach and I love helping him learn things. Trying to write, trying to read, coloring, counting, ABC's, even learning to cook (I love that he loves to be in the kitchen and asks questions and tries to do things!).

I make mistakes. He's a little spoiled. Come on, he's our only one (AND an only grandchild too). Do I want another? Yes. Will it happen? I don't know - and that makes me sad. But so far, I think we're doing good. Nothing has been as bad as some people would make you believe. Two wasn't terrible and so far three might have a bit of an attitude at times but it's been fun watching and helping him grow into his own little person. And now I have more knowledge of monster trucks and superheros than I ever thought I would. 

"A baby changes everything" how often do people tell you that, like it's a secret or some brilliant wisdom that you'd never considered before. Of course it does. If it doesn't, you're doing something wrong. It's hard. But it's so awesome.

Moving Forward

On August 1, 2009, I sat in my Gram's nursing home room with my husband, sister, mom, and aunt. We had driven home for the weekend because I knew my Gram was very sick. I watched my mom holding her hand telling my Gram it was ok to go even though she wasn't ready to let her mom go. My Gram died the next morning.

I remember hoping that I could be that strong if we were ever faced with a situation like that with my mom. Just a few weeks after Gram died, mom was diagnosed with cancer. And not even one year later I was holding my mom's hand, telling her it was ok even though I was anything but ready to let go. That was now three years ago. Sometimes it seems like yesterday, sometimes like its been forever.

But here's the thing: good things can come of such sadness if you let them. I still get sad. Sometimes it seems harder with Grant because I want so much to tell my parents about the things Grant is up to. Or send them pictures. Or ask about the things I did when I was his age. Or watch them play with him.

But when I look back on the three weeks I spent at home while Mom was on hospice care and then passed away, rather than seeing the things that frustrated me (and there was a lot of that) I'm seeing more of the wonderful ways people helped us and the people in my life that continue to do so.

Hehehe...I love this one!

One day after my mom "got bad" as I refer to it, I was in the living room with mom and my aunts and we saw a car pull up that wasn't familiar. I stared out the window because I knew the car but couldn't believe it was in the driveway. My dear friend Elizabeth (accompanied by her brother - I'm so glad she didn't go alone) had driven all the way from NC to my parents house in NY (an 800 some mile/14 hour trip one way) just to be there for me and my family. She will never ever know how much it helped to have her there with me and there is no way I'll ever be able to thank her.

Or my cousin AJ's wife, Melanie, who is a teacher and was still in school while all this was going on. She came over every evening after she was done at work and always made sure we had something yummy to eat for dinner. I remember once while I was sitting with my mom by myself she came in and sat with me and just talked. I don't remember what we talked about but I do remember that it was just nice at that moment to have company. 

My boss here in NC was on vacation in Massachusetts and drove up to NY to go to my Mom's funeral. I had no idea he was going. It shocked the hell out of me as I was standing in line greeting people to see him there. He decided to drive back that afternoon and got a speeding ticket on the way back to MA (you know what they say about good deeds...)

One of the best things to have happened in all this, is that my sister and I have developed a relationship with my Dad's brother [Uncle] Kevin. He called often while Mom was home those two weeks and my sister and I talked to him a lot. At the gathering after her funeral, he asked for my phone number and asked if it was ok that he check in on me (we've never been super close to my Dad's side of the fam). Since then, we talk relatively often (usually on a Sunday night and the conversation is never less than an hour long) and I send him pictures of Grant so he can see how he's growing. It's nice to have him to talk to and sometimes it's a lot like talking to my Dad. I'm so glad that we've kept in touch.

There's more, of course. Lots more. My Aunt Bonnie and Aunt Betty who were always with my Mom. My cousin AJ who was always at the house with us and who spoke at both Mom & Dad's funerals. All the friends, neighbors, and family who sent cards, flowers and brought meals (and coffee!) to us. My hubby who never once said a word about how much coffee I was drinking even thought I was 6 months pregnant and shouldn't have been drinking it. My Mother-in-Law who took care of our dog and house for three weeks while we were gone. The Hospice staff that came were, of course, wonderful women who were very honest with us and sincere. 

There were so many people who helped us through that rough time and so many people in our lives who are still so supportive and helpful. Because of that I've been able to keep moving forward and that I am able to see how lucky I am inspite of everything.