Jazz - The Super Special Bear

When I was younger I collected teddy bears. I'd get one while we were on vacation and it kind of became a thing. Then I got them for birthdays and Christmas and eventually I had way too many. When I moved to North Carolina I brought with me only what would fit in my car so almost all my bears stayed with my parents. But Jazz Bear came with me. I got Jazz Bear at the end of my teddy bear collecting phase. I saw him in a store and thought he was adorable with his big belly and he's so soft and cuddly...but I was "too old" for that so I didn't get him. 

My mom did. She surprised me with him later (and for some reason she named him Jazz Bear). But when I moved, he pretty much stayed in closets until I had Grant. Then he became Grant's.

When he was old enough, I told Grant that Jazz Bear is very special. That's he's sort of a present from my mom because she gave Jazz to me and now he belongs to Grant. And that if he hugs Jazz it's like getting a hug from me and my mom. He accepted Jazz Bear as a special thing and most of the time when he wanted to sleep with him Grant would say "Jazz is special because he's from your mama and he was yours and now he's mine, right?" And that was as far as I'd ever been able to go with it because I get really emotional talking about that stuff with Grant.

Next week we'll be coming up on 5 years that my mom has been gone and back in February was 4 years since my dad's passing. It's still hard but I've learned that talking {and writing} helps. So it's appropriate that Grant initiated our first real conversation about my parents. For me, it came completely out of left field but looking back, I think he's been wanting to ask. But he's a smart kid and kids pick up on way more than we give them credit for, so I think he doesn't talk about it because he knows it's hard for me.

It started with Jazz Bear at bed time, it usually does. Grant couldn't figure out which animal to sleep with, so I suggested Jazz. Grant said "Because he's your super special bear, right Mama?" I told him, again, when he hugs the bear it's like a hug from me and mom. Which made him ask "But she died already, right?" I said yes and he asked how she died. I didn't want to get so detailed that I scared him but I wanted to answer his questions. So I explained that she was very sick and that she went to a lot of doctors but they couldn't make her better (an explanation that I'm always worried will scare him but I have yet to find a better way). He knows she's in Heaven so he says she's "up there". 

He also asked if my dad died already too, which he knows, but I think he was just trying to talk about it. So I said yes. He asked why my dad died. You can't explain alcoholism to a 4.5 year old so I said that he, too, was very sick. That he tried to get help to get better but the doctors weren't able to make him better either. He just said "Oh" and laid there quiet for a minute, like he was thinking.

He asked "Who else is up there?" I told him my Uncle Charlie is up there with my mom and dad. And our dog Brodie. And my Grama. He asked "...do you...miss them?" Which of course I do, I said I miss them all the time but I tried to keep my tone light and not sad. I was pretty proud of myself for not breaking down because this was the longest we've ever been able to talk about my family.

Then he broke my heart. He was very serious and a little sad and I want to say even a little sorry for me. He said "So...you don't have any families left?" So I reminded him of how much family I do still have left - him, Husband, my sister, aunts, uncles, cousins, in-laws - and that seemed to cheer him up. He was done asking questions then, for now, so it was a good note to end the conversation on. 

He asked some good questions. He was very serious and I feel like he really listened. It was a really difficult for me but I know it's going to have to happen more so I'm happy that I handled this first one so well. It's important that Grant knows my parents and I'm going to be the biggest part of that so I'm glad we're heading in the right direction.

High Five for Friday

Today I'm linking up with Lauren and Jennie to share some of my favorite stuff from the past two weeks. I skipped last week because of vacation so I'm combining them!

1) On Saturday, July 26, we left for a vacation in upstate NY to visit my family. We make this trip once a year and look forward to our summer vacation! Grant loved it because we stayed in a hotel on the way up and the way back AND he got to play with doggies all week at my sister's house!

He's allowed to jump on hotel beds (when Husband isn't looking).

Grant loves Lennon! (And Lennon loves Grant)

2) We did a TON of good eating on vacation (and by "good eating" I mean not the least bit healthy). My sister and I were desperately craving some exercise - never thought I'd say that - and got to go on a hike one evening just the two of us. It was a great trail with some awesome views!

Me & Sis

Seriously gorgeous, right??

3) It was pretty chilly for summer while we were there but on our last day before our two day journey south, we managed to get over to my Aunt & Uncles house for a swim. I just had to. I spent so much time there as a kid and LOVE swimming in the lake. It was too cold for Grant to willingly go any farther than his waist so I was the only one actually swimming (and it was really too cold for me but I had to!).

So pretty and peaceful :)

I love bringing Grant to the places where I spent so much time as a kid!

4) FOOD. There is so much food I miss from back home and I bring back as much as I can with me. This time it consisted of my favorite cheeses, favorite hot dogs (3 packages in my freezer and I'm the only one in the house who likes them!), favorite store-bought cookies, and salt potatoes - which are really just little potatoes boiled in extremely over-salted water and they're fantastic!

THE best store-bought chocolate chip cookies!

Salt potatoes cooked with Monday night's dinner

5) For about year we've been scouring places looking for the perfect toy box and just haven't found anything worth buying. My sister still had the toy box my dad built for us when we were little and was willing to part with it so we brought that home for Grant's room. I started re-organizing his room this week and got the toy box set up in its new home. I love that we're able to use what my dad made!

Happy Friday!

Have a great weekend!

High Five for Friday

Today I'm linking up with Lauren and Jennie to share some fun stuff from the past week.

1) Friday night Grant went to my in-laws house for the night while Husband and I enjoyed our Christmas present from my sister. Hockey tickets! They were really great seats and it was, for the most part, a great game...until they lost. Can't win 'em all, right? (Or even most, as this season is turning out).

2) After we picked up Grant Saturday evening, we went out for dinner with my in-laws. And since we were in the neighborhood-ish, we finally took Grant to the new Bass Pro Shop that opened. Husband's thought was that Grant would love their huge fish tank...and he really did...but we ended up spending over an hour in the store because it's actually kind of a fun place. 

Rooooaaaar!

3) I was feeling crafty on Sunday and made a necklace for my sister out one of my Dad's old ties. One of Dad's favorite things was dressing up so when my sister found his old ties for me, I knew I had to make us both something from them. 

Sister's pick of the ties. I think it turned out pretty well!

4) Tuesday evening was gorgeous and I had no plans for dinner. So right after we all got home we went right back out, swung through a drive-thru for a quick dinner and headed to the park. We ate dinner at a picnic table and then turned Grant loose on the playground until it got dark. So much fun! We'll definitely be doing that more.

5) I rarely make dessert to go with our meals. Desserts are typically a special occasion thing but I want to start making a treat to go with dinner every once in a while. It's difficult to do given Grant's dislike for cookies, brownies, cake, ice cream, etc. But the boy loves popsicles and snow cones. I found this on Pinterest ages ago for Jello Shaved Ice and whipped it up for a treat this week. Not only did it turn out as easy as the recipe sounded, it was good too! I say that as someone who absolutely despises Jello with every fiber of my being!

I made this using cherry lemonade flavor Jello. It was
easy that I made a grape one too.

HAPPY FRIDAY!
I hope you all have a great weekend :)

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Why Do You Ask, Two Dogs F-----g?

Three years ago today my Dad passed away. Last year I contemplated not writing about it and this year I did too. But it feels wrong not to say anything. And talking about my parents seems to help, so I do. Part of my reason for considering not writing these "anniversary" posts is because I have a hard time writing about my Dad so its just easy to say it's time to move on and stop acknowledging the day. I wasn't a "Daddy's girl" and neither was my sister. My Mom was always more of a parent than my Dad and I don't mean that with any disrespect, it's just how it was. 

Dad's death left unresolved issues. I either had to stew about them or get over them. I did both. I heard that one of Dad's reasons for not doing AA was because they make you apologize to people. But he did end up apologizing to some people and some have told me about it. I don't know how he picked out who got an apology but I still wonder why he said he was sorry to some people...but not to me. Maybe he didn't know how because there was a lot to be sorry for, maybe he wasn't sorry, maybe he didn't remember what there was to be sorry about. I was angry about it but only for a little while then it just kind of hurt. I'm more ok with it now, there isn't really a point. I have to make peace with it because, really, what's the alternative?

There is one thing that out-weighs all the unresolved issues: I miss him. A lot. Still. 

And I can't help but wonder what kind of relationship he'd have had with Grant. If he'd gotten the liver transplant. Would he have visited a lot? Maybe spend some holidays with us? Would Grant like to talk to him on the phone? Would he remember him and talk about him like he does some of our other NY family?

I talk to Grant about my parents but I don't think he really gets it yet. Its easier with my Mom because my mother-in-law is "Gramma" and since my Mom wanted to be called "Nana", that's what I call her with Grant so he sort of understands some. But my Dad always referenced himself as Grandpa. And that's what Grant calls both my father-in-law and my husband's stepdad...so this third, mysterious, unseen Grandpa just isn't on his radar right now.

So...you might be thinking: What's with that title? Or maybe you're not. But it's from my Dad's favorite joke. Any time someone said the words "two dogs" my Dad would say "Why do you ask?" Always. I'm pretty sure anyone outside the family didn't get it (and all of us in on the joke usually rolled our eyes). But now I think we all do it, it's like a reaction. Or at least think it. So for anyone who has no idea what that means or if you've ever thought "Huh??" when one of us responds that way, here is my Dad's favorite - wildly inappropriate, politically incorrect - joke (not exactly how my Dad told it but the punchline is there):

On a rainy day, a little Indian from a tribe goes to his chief and asks, "Chief, how do you name all the people of our tribe?"

The Chief replies, "Oh, it quite easy. When baby born, I look first thing I see moving in wilderness, and name baby just that."

"How so?" asks the Indian.

"Well," replies the Chief, "if I see coyote running in field, I name baby Running Coyote. If I see bull sit, I name baby Sitting Bull."

"Oh, I see now" says the Indian.

Then the Chief turns to the Indian and says, "Well, why do you ask, Two Dogs F-----g?" 

A little comic relief for your day, it would make my Dad happy :)

 

Three Years As A Mom

My life changed the day my Mom died. I never expected to be a mom without my mom. But if we hadn't been expecting Grant, things would have been very different for me. Because of Grant, I had to get myself out of bed every day. Even before he was born. There were things to do. A job to go to. Life. I couldn't drown myself in pity parties all day. 

Then he was born. Then five months later, my Dad died. And I became what has been referred to as a "Parentless Parent". I tried reading a book about being a parentless parent (called Parentless Parents), thinking it may help with the grief (yes, I know this is not a substitute for a grief counselor) but I quickly realized this book was not for me. The author of this book was in a similar situation. She lost her mom before she had her first child and her Dad died before she'd even had her second. But this woman was very judgy on what makes a person officially parentless. And she seems to think it's ok to let yourself feel different from the people around you. And to resent your friends and family that still have one or both of their parents. She says your parents are your cheering section, the people you get to brag to because your kids may be going through things your friend's kids have already done...so your friends may not care. Huh? My real friends care about what's going on with Grant. And I care what's going on with their kids. I didn't read much of the book before it made a permanant home on my bookshelf.

The truth is, while I would obviously LOVE to have either of my parents as a part of Grant's life, I can't resent the people in my life that still have their parents. That's just not right. When we decided to become parents I always knew that I wanted to be my own kind of mom. Obviously I learned from my mom, but I wanted to learn from me too. I didn't read parenting books or articles or magazine's because I don't care how other people think I should raise my child. 

So what has three years taught me? That I will always miss my parents. I always want to know if I was doing the same things that Grant is at his age. I don't know when I crawled, walked, talked. I can ask my aunt...but I want to ask my parents, you know? I can't imagine that going away. 

Three years has made me less lazy. Ok, three days made me less lazy! But now there are very few "lazy days" and more play days in the park, bike rides after dinner, weekend morning walks, baseball after breakfast. And I'm more willing to explore to find fun new things for us to do. I even like the beach now (for the most part) whereas before I could really take it or leave it.

Some people are natural teachers. I am not. I'm terrible at explaining things. But having a little one makes you a teacher anyway and it makes me WANT to teach. I don't want to leave everything to school, so we at least try to teach and I love helping him learn things. Trying to write, trying to read, coloring, counting, ABC's, even learning to cook (I love that he loves to be in the kitchen and asks questions and tries to do things!).

I make mistakes. He's a little spoiled. Come on, he's our only one (AND an only grandchild too). Do I want another? Yes. Will it happen? I don't know - and that makes me sad. But so far, I think we're doing good. Nothing has been as bad as some people would make you believe. Two wasn't terrible and so far three might have a bit of an attitude at times but it's been fun watching and helping him grow into his own little person. And now I have more knowledge of monster trucks and superheros than I ever thought I would. 

"A baby changes everything" how often do people tell you that, like it's a secret or some brilliant wisdom that you'd never considered before. Of course it does. If it doesn't, you're doing something wrong. It's hard. But it's so awesome.

Dad Stories and What-Not

This was my Dad's yard work uniform. Hard hat,
eye protection, and yup, even chaps.

Today it's been two years since my Dad died. Over the past few years I've shared some stories about my Dad and all his craziness. Like last year, I shared our last conversation. Today I'm back with some more stories. Some amusing stuff my sister has come up with and some stories and things that I've remembered over the last few days.

• My Dad's nickname for my husband was "Sasquatch". My Dad wasn't short but Husband is much taller. The first time we took a trip up to visit we decided to order pizza so Nate could taste some of my favorite pizza. Dad ordered something else (lasagna or veal parmesan probably). Nate peaked over my Dad's shoulder when he opened and asked what he got. Dad said "It's mine! I feel like there's a damn Sasquatch trying to steal my food!"
• On another trip to visit my family we decided to take a day trip to Alexandria Bay. My Dad insisted on taking one of the boat tours. One of the long ones, because they served drinks. There were a lot of asian people on that tour all of them carrying several cameras. As we were all getting off the boat after the tour (that stopped off at Boldt Castle) my Dad turns to Nate and says - mind you, he's been drinking so there is no more inside voice - "Jesus Christ! Nobody told us we were boarding the Orient Express!"
• My Dad was a super emotional guy. I've posted this one before but it's still one of my favorites: A few years ago when Mom and I were on the phone - around Christmas - she told me that she and Dad had watched a Christmas special. Well, Dad was watching it and he called Mom into the room. "Hey! Come watch this. I think it's that guy Tara likes." I think my Mom was a little surprised (as was I) that he even knew who he was let alone that I liked his music. Mom said "Oh yeah, Andrea Bocelli". So they listened to his song and at a break in his singing my mom noticed my Dad crying silently. She said "Ugh, what's wrong?" Thinking he would say he missed me or something like that she waited for him to calm down a little and he said:
  "Look at him. He's praying." And then he started crying all over again.I can still picture what my Mom's face must have looked like when she said to him "Oh my God. He's blind, you ass!" 
• This one is from my sister: Back when my Dad was in the hospital but not yet moved to Rochester for the transplant program, my sister was visiting him. When they were alone, he pointed to a bag and asked my sister to take it home with her and get rid of it. He actually said "Hey, you see that bag in the corner? Can you take that with you and 69 it for me?" My sister said "Excuse me?" He said "Yeah, take it home and throw it out. I shit my pants and I don't want the nurse to find it". My sister said "Let me get this straight: you want me to drive home with your shitty underpants when you could just throw them out here?" (She refused and threw them out at the hospital and YES my Dad did think he was telling her to 86 his underwear.)
• Adding to that and remember my last conversation with him when he told me that he had an accident the day of our last conversation, apparently the nurse gave him a hard time about it. Telling him that my Dad should give them more warning. He told her "Honey, you had as much warning as I did."
• One Christmas after all our presents had been opened there was one little box left. It was for my mom. She opened it and it was a little gold band with little diamonds in it. My Dad was, of course, crying and told her that they'd been together 20 years and had never given my mom a diamond. He thought it was so special (and, ok, it was). My mom said "I don't know why you did that! I never wanted one."

Random things about my Dad:

• I'm pretty sure he never watched the end of a movie. He always fell asleep.
• He had the most impressive goatee of anyone I've ever met.
• He loved Christmas, especially Christmas lights.
• He took any and every opportunity to dress up. The dressier the better.
• He could have a conversation with anyone, anywhere, any situation.
• He was extremely emotional! Over everything.
• He was allergic to caterpillars.
• He loved yard work and was really good at it.

I know that's not a whole lot of "special" stuff. But it is to us. My Dad was not without his faults, but he did leave us with a lot of good memories to keep us laughing :)

A Year Ago Today

It was a year ago today that my Dad passed away.

I wasn't really sure what kind of post I wanted to do today. I guess I feel like I did my sad, sappy post last year when he died. But I couldn't just not post anything, I feel like I need to acknowledge the day. Over the last year I know I've done a lot of posts about the loss of both my parents. Some sad, some funny. So this one is kind of both.

When my Dad died it was so much different than losing my Mom. I had guilt that wasn't there when my Mom died. And I know that a lot of that had to do with the way we left things the last time I saw him. Because the last time I saw him was when I was home while my mom was on hospice care and then passed away. My Dad was in a very selfish place then and relying heavily on alcohol and pity. I was six months pregnant and had just lost my mother and was in no emotional state to deal with so much. We had fights. Bad fights. One was the day of my Mother's funeral. A day, that I felt, should have been focused on her and not on ourselves. It was her day and every bit of anger I had felt toward my Dad and his selfishness came out. Without getting into much detail, I will say that things did not improve much from there. I'd like to say I'm over it and all is forgiven. I'm working on it. And I'm in a better place.

Another source of my guilt was because of my last conversation with my Dad - of course, not knowing at the time that it would be the last time I talked to him. Let me set it up for you:

It's a Sunday (Superbowl Sunday, actually) and that morning Husband had left to go out of town for a week on a business trip. Grant is 5 1/2 months old and this is only the second time Husband has been out of town for so long since Grant has been born. And even though I know I can handle it and we'll be fine, it's a little stressful. At some point that day I took Grant to the park for a walk. Later on, while I'm feeding Grant a container of baby food, I'm on the phone with my Dad (I think he called me). Here's what I remember of our last conversation:

Dad: Hey, how's it going?
Me: I'm ok. A little stressed, but ok.
Dad: Why? What's going on?
Me: Well, Nate left this morning on a business trip so I'll be single-moming it for a week. I'm just a little nervous about it but I know we'll be ok. Grant's been a little fussy today too but now he's eating so he's happier. What are you doing? (Ok, he was in the hospital awaiting a liver transplant. Not sure why I asked what he was doing - but I did.)
Dad: Oh, just sitting here watching the Superbowl with your Uncle Kevin (my Dad's brother). 
Me: Oh, I'm sorry. Do you need me to let you go? I can call tomorrow.
Dad: No, it's halftime. The...uh...peas are singing. The black-eyed ones. (He said it just like that. I still laugh when I think about it.)
Me: Oh, ok then. Well, how was your day?
*pause*
Dad: Well...I shit myself.
Me: DAD! OH MY GOD!
Dad: *obviously unaware of my shock and disgust* Yup. It's this medicine they have me on. I just can't make it to the bathroom in time.

That's really all I can recall of that conversation. THAT is what we talked about. I'm ok with it now. I can laugh about it. But a year ago all I could think was "I can't believe that was really the last conversation I'll ever have with my Dad". My Uncle, who was in the room the whole time, couldn't believe he was telling me that. But hey, you can't say it wasn't memorable.

Back to the serious stuff. I think the loss of a parent is something you never really get over. No matter how old you are when it happens. It just gets a little easier to deal with every day. Some days I can tell stories about my parents and I get laughing so hard I can't breathe. And some days I'll be sitting at my computer and a picture of my Dad comes up on my screen saver and when I look at it, it feels like someone punched me in the stomach. I miss my parents every day. But I try not to focus on them being gone and what I should feel like they're missing. I'm grateful for what we had and, for the most part, that keeps me positive.


It helps.




A Don Ho Christmas {Eve}

We always used to have Christmas Eve at my parent's house. Mom would cook a ton of food and Aunt Bonnie, Uncle Charlie, Nick, AJ, and Grama used to come over and we'd celebrate Christmas Eve. I know I've posted briefly before about how my Dad would wear a Hawaiian print shirt and tell everyone it was a "Don Ho" Christmas. After a while no one thought it was funny. But now Dad isn't here to have a "Don Ho" Christmas and this was our first Christmas without Dad. And Grant, for some reason I will never know, was sent some Hawaiian print shirts from his Auntie Shauna (who came again this year to spend Christmas with us). We had a little Christmas Eve celebration of our own and we also had a mini tribute to Dad :)

I suppose that shirt isn't as bad as some I've seen. And it's probably far less tacky than one that my Dad would've worn. I dressed Grant right before everyone got there and he grabbed the shirt and giggled. And then giggled the whole time I was trying to button it. He looked so ridiculous and adorable at the same time. I hope Dad liked it as much as Grant did!

Dad

2011 was supposed to be a better year. But some of 2010 seems to be lingering and I hope it goes away soon. On Saturday, February 12, 2011, my father passed away at Strong Memorial hospital in Rochester, NY while waiting for a liver transplant. I guess we are supposed to expect this. When you know someone is in the end stages of liver failure your mind should think the worst and it probably was in the back of my mind. But if I'm going to be honest, I really thought he'd get a liver in time. My sister and I weren't really prepared for anything else. We never heard someone say that it might not be possible. So, in less than 9 months time, we got into the car for a second time to make the 800 mile trip to attend another funeral for one of my parents. That trip ending at the home where my sister and I grew up and me dreading it's emptiness. I breathed a sigh of relief when we pulled into the driveway to see my sister, Shauna, and cousin, AJ, coming out to greet us.

 

This was a hard time for everyone. Not only because we had lost my mother not long ago, but also because we were just starting to be able to look forward to the person my Dad was hopefully going to become. In August Dad made the decision to quit drinking after a long battle with alcoholism. My sister and I were hoping Grant would be able to enjoy the "old Dad". The one that we can still look back and see. Of course, we weren't the only ones who lost someone. If the amount of people at the visitation is anything to go by, my Dad will be missed by many people.



One of my favorite pictures of my Dad. I took this while we were on a boat ride in 2005.

 As my cousin AJ pointed out to me, my Dad valued humor. He frequently walked the line between funny and inappropriate (something I seem to have inherited). So I thought a good way to honor his memory would be to tell some short stories and share some pictures and memories.

• My Dad's birthday was December 30th and he loved to leave the Christmas tree up for his birthday. He took pride in his Christmas tree. So my logical explanation for this picture is that he must be going out for his birthday. We call this picture "Dad the Christmas Pimp"

• Dad loved to dress up. He dressed up even when no one else did. But he also loved to wear Hawaiian shirts on Christmas eve and declare it a "Don Ho Christmas". I wish I had a picture of him in one of those shirts. 

In his tux before my wedding

Dressed up at Boldt Castle for my friend Jen's wedding



• Dad was kind of crazy. He did crazy things. Like the time he built ornamental deer from birch wood and put them out front of a neighbor's house with a "No Hunting" sign on them. Good thing he had crazy friends. That same neighbor wired together those two deer in mating position and put them in our front yard. My mother was not amused (they lived on a busy road).
• Or the time that an argument broke out during Easter dinner involving - as usual - my Mom, aunt Bonnie, and Gram. They were all talking loudly so as to be heard over eachother about who knows what. The last thing we heard was my Gram yell "Nobody ever cares about my feelings!" and then my father grabbed one of our hollowed out colored Easter eggs and smashed it on my Gram's head and then proceeded to sing "Feelings" as my Gram cried.
• For Thanksgiving we always had turkey and ham. And my Mom made ham gravy for the ham which was, in my opinion, a vile substance. Apparently, my Dad thought so too. It was also roughly the same color as turkey gravy and Dad mistakenly put it on his turkey. He said grace like he always did and we barely had our first bite in our mouth before we hear "DAMN IT!" and my Dad's plate hits the wall. "I put f-----g ham graving on my turkey! Oh my God!" and he threw the whole plate in the trash (it wasn't a paper plate but it was apparently contaminated).

Those, of course, are not my only humorous memories of my Dad but they are definitely some of my favorites. This past week has made me think about a lot of things I hadn't thought about in a while. Like the time he had my Mom drop the three of us off at one end of the lake with our ice skates on because he always wanted to skate the whole lake. And he did but it would have taken a lot less time if he'd managed to stay upright more often (coordinated on skates he was not). Or how he made me believe that it was illegal to drink milk when I ate pizza so I would always tell the waitress at Pizza Hut that I had to have Pepsi or the police would come.



Dad & Mom at their wedding reception



Dad & Mom at my rehearsal dinner

Dad walking me down the aisle



Father & Daughter dance at my wedding. He picked "Tiny Dancer"



Dad & Nate decorating for our reception

Dad & Me at Boldt Castle after Jen's wedding



Dad & Mollie. She has been a very sad pup lately.

There are many more pictures I wish I had to share and lots of stories I'm forgetting at this moment. But you at least get the idea of who my dad was and why we'll miss him so much.